A New Beginning
From my very first therapy appointment this second time around I told myself no matter how scared I may become with what I was about to hear, good or bad, I would not stop going until I got the help I needed to manage my anxiety and never allow it to control my life again.
I had seen a therapist before and pretty much knew how things went but that was not the case with this new therapist. Straight away she explained that she does things differently. She explained she would ask me to tell my story and what I had been experiencing and then she would do most of the talking teaching me ways to help me heal.
Since my anxiety was so severe she recommended I see her twice a week. The first thing I noticed was whenever I left my therapy session with her, I always felt lighter and less anxious, less afraid. For the first time I had faith that this could be what would help me get my life back.
She recommended I journal when I felt my anxiety starting to creep up. I also made a mantra for myself to repeat as soon as my thoughts wanted to go into a dark downward spiral to help me stay positive which helped me tremendously.
I felt it was a whole new way of living by changing the program and the way I used to think. The way she helped me to see things I saw before but never in her perspective or her explanations that turned a light on for me and gave me something to finally hold onto to start really healing.
I also started to connect my triggers to my anxiety. I realized I had been carrying so much with me my whole life and never actually grieved it or talked about it. I instead, went around all of it but without even realizing I was doing that. I was in a state of fight or flight, like all of us may experience in our lives and in those times our mind wants to protect us, so we disassociate to not have to feel what we are going through in the moment.
That is what my mind did for me to try and protect me. The hard part is when we don’t realize or remember what it was that happened, we are easily triggered, anxious, and or depressed and can’t connect why to make it stop. And if this happens as a child, so much time passes, and we continue to live thinking we are okay until we experience trauma and then the pain that was once dormant is now active causing so much pain and suffering.
My pain and suffering that finally broke the dam and opened the flood gates for me was having a traumatic, scary, and unexpected delivery of my daughter in 2010. The trauma I experienced from my delivery triggered me to have my first severe anxiety episode. I was then able to connect that as a child I was molested, it was so crazy to put it all together but when I finally did, I felt such relief. I wasn’t crazy, my inner child was just still hurt and scared and had carried so much for too long she finally screamed for help after having my daughter. I had to help my inner child realize that she was safe and that she is going to be okay. She isn’t alone anymore; she is validated and free now!
Bringing to light my molestation that happened to me as a child and being able to connect why I experienced my first severe anxiety episode after my delivery was incredibly healing for me. Even more so, my anxiety episode I had in 2018, I connected to the fact that my daughter was the same age I was when the molestation started for me. My inner child was once again asking for help and in turn she helped me more than she will ever know. The light in something so traumatic and dark is also so beautiful and healing because this helped me to walk through what I experienced to finally get out of it and put it all behind me, no longer controlling or triggering me anymore.
Guess what else? I found out I am a sensitive and an empath! Hearing those words was scary but again so healing. No wonder I have always felt different and out of place. I cry so easily, and not just cry but I can feel what another is feeling. I knew that my whole life I just didn’t know there was a name for what I was and am. I love who I am, I wouldn’t change any of it truly, all of this, everything I have been through makes me who I am. I am here for a purpose and that is I believe to help those like me because as much as I have always tried to run from my anxiety and just want it to go away, it’s a part of me. A true gift to share with the world!
I am so happy to be here, writing and sharing my story for anyone to learn from or to help. For the last 6 years, I continue to journal, use my mantra, grieve, and talk myself down when things get tough. I can finally say I am able to manage my anxiety and I no longer live in fear! One thing I know for sure is I’ve been through the worst and know I can and will get through anything that may come my way in the future.
Remember, the only way out is through and there is always light in every dark place, you just have to find it and hold onto it because this too shall pass!
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